Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
