In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
