Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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