Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
