She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
