If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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