please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
