I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
