She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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