i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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