There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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