I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
