Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
