Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Quick, to the slutcave!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
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