At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
