clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
