I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
two words...techno handjob
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
