it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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