I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
from now on my penis is your penis
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
