I think my fart just growled at me.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
