How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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