just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
