you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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