the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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