this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
