It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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