I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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