think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
