Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
