I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
