There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
