community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
