I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
