He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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