Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
