I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
