So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
