Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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