dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
