I need to stop coming to work sober
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
