God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
