I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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