the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
