You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
