By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
