Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
