Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
