it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
