Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
