Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
